Sheepish

by Ben

I feel sheepish. I haven't kept to my push to do devotions regularly. In my straying, I came to discover that life was becoming difficult. It seems to me that this always happens when I haven't been keeping up my personal spiritual life. Having read books on ministry and experienced this feeling before, I should know better. Yet, time and again, I say to myself, "I'm in the word almost every day." Yet these times are for work, not for my own connection to God.

And here I sit, writing another apology dLog post to God.

It could be that God is laying this on my heart because it is Ash Wednesday. It could be that this is the guilt that comes with working in ministry - that my own spiritual life is never good enough. Or it could just be part of following God.

I think of the Israelites and Jews, and their frequent back and forth nature with God. I think of Paul, who wrote about wanting to do good, yet still doing evil. I think of my own wavering and resteadying of faith.

Sometimes it is easier to hear the master's voice. Sometimes, it is so clear to know what God wants me to do, which direction I need to go. And sometimes it is a struggle.

We know when we have stepped off of the sidewalk on a busy street. We know when we are off the beaten path through the woods. Be it cars or wild animals, there are things that let us know that we are not where we should be.

The same is true with God. In our walk toward Him, we know when we have left the path. Feelings, events, and mindsets let us know that we are not where we should be.

Inaction can just as easily be a sin as action can. If we are not actively seeking God with our whole being, we fall into the trap of becoming comfortable with the world. And it sometimes takes a scare or bump to get us back on track.

For me that bump came yesterday in the form of negativity. Everyone I ran into seemed to be complaining about things in their life. And not the kind of complaining that leads to active change, but complaining for the sake of complaining.

And then it happened. I was sitting talking to a coworker when I heard it. I was doing the very same thing. I was complaining without any positive direction. My negative mindset was affecting my perception of the world. I don't know when it began, but I knew I was in it. Up to my elbows in negativity.

I talked to my wife about it that night, and suddenly I had the feeling that we should read from our couples' devotional. And wouldn't you know, the next one (where we had left off a while back) was about finding safe harbor in your spouse. Releasing all of the tension from your day constructively with the person you do life with.

After reading the devotional, we talked and went for a walk, sharing our frustrations, joys, hopes, and worries. We both felt as though the steam valve had been opend and the pressure on our lives had been released.

So, here I sit, sheepishly writing after doing my Lenten devotionals. I can hear the Shepherd. He's calling me to Him, through discipline and quality time.