Adequate

Wow, I feel like it's been a while since I've been here. And my shame is palpable :(

I read: 1 Timothy (in the old school Message that is on novel-like pages and doesn't have verse numbers, it actually made things kind of exciting!)

It's an interesting thing to me, but I still have these terrible feelings of, "You're going to fail," "You're only kidding yourself, there's no way you can actually do this job," and, "Those pants make you look fat." And I think that those statements (well, the first two) are true. Absolutely true. Hear me out though: I am going to fail if I think I can do this. I am not going to fail if I am clinging in a vice-like grip to Christ and to his Church. Here's the song I was listening to yesterday and this morning:

I throw up my hands,
Oh the impossibilities.
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly,
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears.

Never underestimate my Jesus
You're telling me that there's no hope
I'm tellin you you're wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, he will be strong.

That's "Never Underestimate My Jesus" by Relient K (at least I think that's the name of the song). And I think that's exactly what the current message is. Well, not current, it's been the same message for just about two months and a day now (i.e. since I moved down to NC): "Trust me, dummy." Maybe he's not saying dummy, but he might as well. It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that I don't know how to trust him fully. And I think that's what he wants from me and that this scary first couple of days (maybe couple of weeks) will be that way until I figure out that trust issue.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the verse: "I'm so grateful to Christ Jesus for making me adequate to do this work" (1:12). Actually, I like it better in the NIV: "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service." I think that's a better description of where I'm at right now actually: trying to be faithful, appointed to his service (definitely via his grace), and very thankful to be here when I'm thinking lucidly. But, at the same time, he's making me adequate for this job. Not an easy process, I'm sure, but still a beneficial one, thank God!